Who doesn’t loveThe Dirty Dozen? The original 1967 classic has lived on for decades now as one of the most badass WWII movies ever made. Itsinfluence was immediate, seen in movies like 1978’sThe Inglorious Bastards, and still seen in big-budget movies likeSuicide Squad. But what if you don’t want a movie that’s inspired byRobert Aldrich’soriginal, and you’d rather have another true blueDirty Dozenmovie? I know that I’m not alone in thinking it’s a shame that we never got a big-budget sequel, following Major John Reisman (Lee Marvin) as he ropes together another band of criminals to fight filthy Nazi scum. Well, much to the surprise of myself and fans around the world, we actually did get that sequel.We got three of them in the mid to late ’80s! Now, immediately lower your expectations.
Unfortunately, these threeDirty Dozenmovies didn’t have that big budget — they were made for TV action movies of the week. Yes, we have asmall-screen trilogy of WWII-setDirty Dozenfilms. I take no pleasure in reporting that these movies do not do the original justice. If you’re coming to this sequel trilogy in hopes of finding anything resembling the ‘67 film’s all-star cast, the chemistry between the Dozen, fun and charming training scenes with the team, epic feel, or killer action scenes, please run for your life. TheDirty Dozensequels arelike three separate hour-and-a-half-long naps. What is the deadly mission, you ask? Trying to recapture the magic of the original classic on the small screen, that’s what.
The Original ‘Dirty Dozen’ Is One of the Greatest Action Movies Ever
The Dirty Dozenis one of the coolest movies of the 1960s. If you still haven’t seen it, stop everything you’re doing, go fire it up, and bask in all of its glory. This 1967 film was directed by the mid-century studio filmmaker Robert Aldrich, a man whoendlessly innovated the action genrewith movies likeThe Flight of the PhoenixandAttack(orAttack!if you’re fancy). Aldrich’s film follows a group of prisoners who are banded together and sent on a suicide mission to kill a bunch of highly important Nazi officers at a mansion in France. The catch is that if they live, they will be pardoned of their crimes.
The Dirty Dozendoesn’t just work because it’s a fun action movie. After you fire it up, you might be surprised to find that most of the story is spent at their home base. The Dozen spend about two hours of this 150-minute movie training for their big mission. In the meantime, we get to know each of them well, laugh with them, watch them bond together, and invest ourselves in their survival. By the time they’re ready to attack the Nazis, we don’t want them to because we know the odds that they’re up against. It helps that the cast is made of a killer ensemble, featuring the faces ofCharles Bronson,Donald Sutherland,John Cassavetes,Jim Brown,Trini López, and Telly Savalas. There’s no world in which a movie with this cast sucks.
The ‘Dirty Dozen’ Sequels Do Not Live Up to the Original
Which is exactly what tanks theDirty DozenTV movies of the ’80s. The original might have great action, butit earned its legacy because of its fantastic cast. Now imagine a series of TV movies that not only lack thrilling battle sequences, but also force the audience to hang out with a bunch of B and C-rate small-screen stars. That’s what you get with these three. And while there are instances when old TV movies are still held in high esteem in the eyes of modern audiences, you won’t find that with any of these. It’s as if these movies lived and died the night that they aired. That being said, they had to be successful to some degree. How else could we have ended up with three of them?
The first of these sequels isThe Dirty Dozen: Next Mission. Not “the"Next Mission, just…Next Mission. That should be your first sign that things are very wrong. This first sequel came out in 1985 and was directed byAndrew V. McLaglen, a mid-century Hollywood filmmaker who specialized in Westerns and adventure films. Well, even though he has a sea of credits that predate 1985, it seems as though McLaglen brought none of them toNext Mission. Instead, this is a lifeless, drab, 95 minutes that feels even longer than the original’s 150-minute runtime. The firstDirty Dozensequel follows Major John Reisman as he is tasked with banding together a group of convicts to assassinate an SS general. Okay, so there’s amore focused action movie premisethis time, but that doesn’t mean anything in the grand scheme of things.
This movie thought it could get away with having little action like its predecessor, but unlike that movie, this one doesn’t have the cast to pull that off.Next MissionstarsKen Wahl,Sonny Landham,Larry Wilcox,Ricco Ross, and a bunch of other names that will keep making you ask, “Who?” These guys were all on relatively successful TV shows and played bit parts in hit movies. That might have made this a fun watch in 1985, but today I just feel like I’m looking through my aunt’s best friend’s high school yearbook. This wouldn’t be such a crime if we at least got to know their characters well, buthardly any effort is put into investing us in their individual stories. I don’t feel anything about any of these characters. They’re all just soldiers to us, that’s it. No defining traits or anything to make us care about anyone in the titular Dozen.Thatis this movie’s biggest sin. Don’t get excited about the prospect ofWolf Kahler(one of the villains inRaiders of the Lost Ark) as an evil Nazi officer, either. He’s given nothing to do.
‘The Dirty Dozen: Next Mission’ Is the Only Sequel That Brings Back Lee Marvin
That being said,Next Missionisn’t an entire failure. The biggest thing this movie did right was rope Lee Marvin back into the mix. While he’s giving the movie his all, it doesn’t seem as though McLaglen or anyone behind the scenes felt as though his character was all that important. Instead, Major Reisman just kind of shows up, and his first line is delivered while the camera is shooting him at an awkward angle from behind. At least he givesNext Missionhis all. Other vets from the class of ‘67 make appearances, includingErnest BorgnineandRichard Jaeckel, but they aren’t given all that much to do. There is one somewhat thrilling action scene in the middle of the film, but that might also be because the rest of the movie feels like a bottle of NyQuil. Despite Marvin’s best efforts and a single good action setpiece,Next Missionis exactly what you’d expect — a mid-80s TV movie of the week.
Next Missionhad to be a hit to some degree because, some way, somehow, it earned a sequel.The Dirty Dozen: The Deadly Mission(someone at the studio woke up and realized it couldn’t just beDeadly Mission) was released in 1987, two years after the first sequel. You’d hope that maybe that gap year gave them some time to reflect, maybe get their priorities straight, and come back swinging with akiller sequel! Well, prepare for a film that’s as thrilling as retirement home bingo, becauseThe Deadly Missionis a nothing movie. One of the defining aspects ofThe Dirty Dozenis Lee Marvin’s involvement. Unfortunately, Major John Reisman is nowhere to be found in this movie. Instead, to fill this massive void, we have…Telly Savalasas the lead character, Major Wright? Okay, so Savalas is playing a different character than the one he portrayed in the original? He’d have to, considering he dies in the third act of that movie! We’re also bringing backNext Mission’sWolf Kahler, but making him play a different character too? Okay, so we’re off to a confusing start.
The Deadly Missionfollows Major Wright as he recruits a group of convicts on a suicide mission to find the factory where a poisonous nerve gas is being made. This one does a bit of a better job bringing together a fun cast of “that guy” actors, includingBo Svenson,Vince Edwards, andThom Matthews, but not by much. Otherwise,it’s a gutless and boring TV movie of the week. Once again, Ernest Borgnine comes into play, but even his contributions are minor. Somehow, the filmmakers behind theseDirty Dozensequels managed to achieve the impossible and make another uneventful sequel to the original classic.
Charles Bronson & Toshirō Mifune Team Up in This Samurai Spaghetti Western
A bandit and a samurai led a Spaghetti Western outside genre norms.
Just when you think these movies couldn’t get worse, there’sThe Dirty Dozen: The Fatal Mission. I’ll spare myself the trouble of repeating the same issues for the third time, but maybe these filmmakers should have spared us the pain of watching these movies in the first place. As always,The Fatal Missionmakes nothing out of nothing. The action is spreadthin, all in favor of watching a bunch of B and C-rate actors read from a script that gives them nothing to do. The plot might sound intriguing and pulpy, butyou know by now to lower your expectations.
The Inclusion of Telly Savalas Should Make His ‘Dirty Dozen’ Sequels Better
Once again, Telly Savalas returns as Major Wright, who leads a squad on a mission to stop 12 top Nazis from organizing a Fourth Reich. Savalas is a fun enough character actor (he played Blofeld inOn Her Majesty’s Secret Service, after all) that you’d think he could make these movies more passable, but these feel just like paycheck jobs for him. Unlike Marvin, who returned with some real drive and delivered as seasoned and badass of a performance as ever, Savalas is another story. He’s a hard ass, but that could also just be because he doesn’t seem like he wanted to be there. This cast is also somewhat better thanNext Mission’s, but that’s not saying much.The Fatal Mission’sDozen is made up of guys likeErnie Hudson,Erik Estrada, andRay Mancini. Not exactly Charles Bronson and John Cassavetes, but for TV, it’s something. At least Ernest Borgnine came back again, the thread that ties all of these together in a somewhat cohesive fashion. Still, if you need a movie to put you to sleep, this is the one for you.
If you’re a fan ofThe Dirty Dozen, honestly, just leave it at that. Three sequels sound fun until you realize that they were abunch of 80s TV-movie-of-the-week slogs. Let’s hope thatDavid Ayer’s remake never happens and that we can all just respectfully fire up Lee Marvin’s classic for the rest of time. Can’t we just have that?
