Ah, January. What a time to be a movie fan. It’s a time of scarcity and a time of plenty; a time when we’re so busy celebrating the best movies of the year past that the worst movies of the year ahead slip right by us. Or, that’s the idea. With awards season (and football) in full swing and the big awards contenders enjoying expanded theatrical releases, studios quietly drop their least promising annual offerings in the so-called “dump months”.
Right now, the industry is seeing an interesting shift in the theatrical release calendar.Star Warshas carved out a unique spot for blockbuster films in December, andDeadpool’s February release date last year proved that the previous model of release was ready for some shakeups with the potential for huge profit. Along similar lines, the 2016 summer season was so stuffed with subpar tentpole releases that many of the major studios' biggest earners hit in the Spring, Fall and Winter seasons.
The industry seems to be decidedly edging towards a viable year-round release calendar, but for now, let’s celebrate the proud Hollywood tradition of the January burial ground for misguided films and take a look at the worst January releases of the last decade.
Dirty Grandpa (2016)
Rotten Tomatoes Score:11%
Metacritic Score:18
IMDB Rating:6.0
Dirty Grandpais a two-hander comprised of one movie legend with proven comedic chops (Robert De Niro) and one heartthrob with proven comedic chops (Zac Efron), so what could possibly go wrong? You know, besides the deeply creepy title. As it turns out, quite a lot.Dirty Grandpais essentially an exercise in discomfort based on a seeing film presence like De Niro deliver one crude, asinine scene after the next for no reason other than base shock value. WatchingDirty Grandpais somewhat like the second-hand embarrassment of watching a friend do something humiliating and out of character and having no way to stop it. “You’re better than this,” you whisper, cringing and shaking your head as De Niro unloads a bottle of lotion onAubrey Plaza’s chest.
Mortdecai (2015)
Rotten Tomato Score:12%
Metacritic Score:27
IMDB Rating:5.5
If there’s one thing a comedy must be, it’s funny. It can survive all manner of vanity and vacuousness so long as it delivers on that central promise.Mortdecaisuffers, above all, from a near complete lack of humor. An art caper pitched in the key ofPink PantherandMr. Bean,Mortdecaipositions Johnny Deppas the bumbling investigator but without the crucial comedic timing of his forbears. Depp’s performances over the years have increasingly veered in the direction of indulgent ticks and elaborate costuming, andMortdecaiindulges those vices at the expense of an actual performance. It’s not so much that what he’s doing is inherently bad; it’s just that we’ve been watching slight variations of it for so many years, it’s lost all its charm. Ultimately,Mortdecailacks enough charm to make up for its indulgence and the chuckles that come are too few and far between to make up for the time it takes to get to them.
I, Frankenstein (2014)
Rotten Tomatoes Score:3%
Metacritic Score:30
IMDB Rating:5.1
It’s always a shame when such a goofy movie refuses to have any fun.I, Frankensteinlooks like a stereotypical action early aughts action poster brought to life, treating the pallet of blue and orange as gospel, and with a staunch commitment to humorless dramatics, it never becomes more than a gaudy compendium CGI battles. It’s a messy movie that’s all but utterly unconcerned with character, andAaron Eckhart’s Frankenstein character, Adam, is little more than a lukewarm cut out of a stoic tough guy with nothing more than a grimace and a buff body to define him. Not even the charismatic force of three Australians (Ivonne Strahovski,Jai Courtney, andMiranda Otto) is enough to give the revisionist slant on the classic horror tale the personality it so desperately needs.
One for the Money (2012)
Rotten Tomatoes Score:2%
Metacritic Score:22
IMDB Rating: 5.3
Part detective yarn, part romantic comedy and satisfying on neither front,One for the MoneystarsKatherine Heiglas a down home, down-on-her-luck gal who takes a job at a bail bond business and instantly gets set on the path of a former flame (Jason O’Mara). Based on the success of the source material,Janet Evanovich’s hugely successful series of Stephanie Plum novels, which have spanned nearly 30 books over two decades, One for the Money should have kickstarted a franchise, but the pieces were out of place from the start. Heigl is a poor fit for the character, never selling Plum with any heart, relying on an on-the-nose accent and egregious case of perfectly manicured “crazy curly hair” instead. But worst of all,One for the Moneyis just a big yawn. The dialogue is never half as sexy as it thinks it is, and despite the best efforts of its cast, the movie never picks up any spark where it needs it, whether in the heat of the chase or the would-be seductive banter.
The Unborn (2009)
Rotten Tomatoes Score:10%
IMDB Rating:4.8
The Unborn’s biggest sin is how utterly forgettable it is, which is unfortunate becauseDavid S. Goyer’s horror flick has a delightfully cheeky set-up: what if you were haunted by the ghost of your twin that died in the womb? But that premise never adds up to more than a clever idea and the execution is utterly underwhelming with stilted scares seemingly pulled from a grab bag of horror tropes.The Unbornhas bit of J-Horror atmosphere, a touch of creepy kids a laThe Bad Seed, and a Jewish spin onThe Exorcism’s beat that doesn’t earn its Holocaust subplot, but the film never meets the quality of the sources it’s pulling from..
Bride Wars (2009)
Metacritic Score:24
IMDB Rating:5.4
Bride Warsis one of those unfortunate, stereotypical “chick flicks” that feels like a slap in the face to the very demographic it’s targeting. The premise is simple and inherently off-putting: two best friends, played byAnne HathawayandKate Hudson, become rivals when they schedule their wedding for the same date. Yuck. Who wants to watch a movie about people who would ruin their closest friendship over scheduling? That’s not even the interesting kind of bad people. Hathaway does her best to give theBride Warssome heart, but she can never elevate it above the inherently nasty pastiche of claws-out bridezilla warfare.
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2008)
Rotten Tomatoes Score:4%
Metacritic Score:14
IMDB Rating:3.8
For a while there,Uwe Bollfilms were a regular scourge of the January release calendar. LikeAlone in the DarkandBloodraynebefore it,In the Name of the Kingwas dropped at the beginning of the year to pretty much universal critical and audience scorn. Boll is, of course, the infamous auteur of awful cinema, considered by some a modern day trashmaster in the vein ofEd WoodandRoger Cormanand considered by others a dude who just makes bad movies, and his limitations as a filmmaker are never more obvious than when set against an ambitious, high-concept film. Inspired by theDungeon Siegegame,In the Name of the Kingabuses leadJason Stathamwith a lowest-tier production value fantasy epic that always feels like an overpriced game of dress-up.
One Missed Call (2008)
Rotten Tomatoes Score:0%
IMDB Rating:3.9
There was no shortage of subpar J-Horror remakes in the early 2000s, butOne Missed Callis arguably the worst. Based on the 2003Takashi Miikefilm of the same name,One Missed Callfollows a group of people who start receiving voicemails from the future with the sounds of their own violent death. In Miike’s hands, the concept mostly works because of the confident atmosphere and eye for genuinely frightening moments of supernatural violence, but as a homogenized studio retread it boils down to a silly movie about killer cell phones. It’s abrasively boring, hobbled by the unpalatable rigidity and stagnancy of a pre-packaged product.
Meet the Spartans (2008)/Epic Movie (2007)
Rotten Tomatoes Rating:2% / 2%
Metacritic Rating:9 / 17
IMDB Rating:2.7 / 2.3
We’re doing a bit of the two-birds/one-stone here, because really, how do you even differentiate what makes these movies so unbearable. They are, essentially, the same film (if you stretch the meaning of the word “film”) – a string of puerile, crude jokes that are basically the cinematic equivalent of pointing and laughing. UnlikeNot Another Teen Movie,Scary Movieand the tradition of genre spoof movies from whichEpic MovieandMeet the Spartanswere born, these movies are simply parades of pop culture that have no commentary to offer; nothing to say but “Hey, this is a movie everyone knows” and then the expectation that you will laugh simply out of recognition.
Thr3e (2007)
Rotten Tomatoes Score:5%
Metacritic Score:34
IMDB Rating: 5.1
Like so many of the least enjoyable film,Thr3eis cobbled together from pieces of superior films. As the numerical title might give away, it pulls heavily fromDavid Fincher, riffing onSe7enandFight Club, and takes inspiration fromSaw’s sadism with a story about a seminary student Kevin Parkson (aka Buffy’s worst boyfriend,Marc Blucas) targeted by a grisly serial killer determined to make him repent for his sins. Except twist! Kevin IS the serial killer, so he’s really flagellating himself. An oddly misguided attempt at Christian slanted entertainment from the short-lived FoxFaith,Thr3etries to be darkly thrilling and religiously revelatory at the same time, and instead, finds a unique unpleasantness at the meeting point of piety and perversity. (And yes. It’s basically the movie ‘The Three’ fromAdaptation, but without Donald’s charm.)
